The DEAR MAN Techniqe. Help for Women in Communication Skills and Assertiveness

THE DEAR MAN TECHNIQUE: ASSERTIVENESS FOR WOMEN

Improving Your Emotional Health

DEAR MAN is an acronym for the steps in a specific assertiveness technique, that is very useful for most women.

On this website we have discussed the symptoms and treatment of depression. CLICK HERE to read the article on Depression This is an important topic for all of us, because our emotional and mental health has a direct impact on the health of our family.

Assertion and emotional health Although, the causes of depression are complex, one factor can be a sense of powerlessness. Believing that we can get what we want and need, is one of the best antidotes to powerlessness. It is for this reason I am presenting you with the DEAR MAN technique and this specific set of skills for asserting yourself.

The technique below was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D as part of her overall Dialectical Behavioral Therapy treatment for people with some pretty serious emotional and mental health issues.

This does not mean that the DEAR MAN technique is just for those who are ill. Most of her treatments emphasize life skills, that are used by healthy and effective people all over the world.

This process for communications skills uses the acronym DEAR MAN to help us remember each step.

D:Describe the situation. Try to keep it simple and to the point. Men and children stop paying attention if you become too wordy. Avoid statements that judge and blame.

E: Express your feelings or opinions about the situation.

A: Assert your wishes. Ask for what you want. No judging or blaming the other person for not knowing.

R: Reinforce. Reward the other person for respecting you or explain why your request would benefit both of you.

M: Mindful-remain mindful of what you want. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted. Don‘t focus on unrelated issues the other person brings up.

A: Act confident--you have every right to ask for what you want

N: Negotiate--Be willing to listen to alternatives or ask the other person for suggestions.

For Example:

Here is what DEAR MAN might sound like if, for example, you wanted more help with clean up after dinner.

Describe the situation: “I have been expected to clean up the kitchen each night after dinner.” Don’t say things like, “No one cares about how much work I have to do.” “Nobody ever helps me.” “You are so lazy and selfish”, etc, you know the drill.

Express your feelings or opinions about the situation: “I do not want to do it anymore.” or “I become frustrated, because then I don’t have time (or energy) to do other things that are important to me.”

Assert your wishes: “I would like you to clean up after dinner.” “I want your help in organizing the kids to do the kitchen clean up.”

Reinforce or reward: “Thank you so much for taking this seriously” or “If I get your cooperation on this, I will have more energy (time or interest) to devote to …” or “If I can get your help with this, I will be in a much better mood in the evening.”

Mindful:“That is a concern for another time, right now I want to find a solution to the kitchen clean up.” Avoid bringing up other grievances or frustrations yourself.

Act confident: Use phrases such as “I want…”, “I would like…”

Negotiate: "If every night does not work, maybe we can try every other night." or "Let's try it for a week and see how it works".

Keep it simple. Adult women are the most verbally skilled creatures on Earth. We are often not aware that other members of our family have little patience or interest in our long explanations, the full account of our thought processes, the pros and cons and the variables that we carefully weighed when making this request. It can be helpful to write down what you plan to say, read through it and then cross off all the unnecessary details.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. The DEAR MAN skills, like any new communication skill take practice. Assertiveness may not come easy for you, but the benefits to your emotional well being and your family’s health are immeasurable.

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