Marriage Help Through Active Listening

“Getting the Love You Want” and creating a happy marriage through Harville Hendrix‘s Dialogue for Couples.

Many couples find themselves in need of marriage help because of the different perceptions men and women may have about what is helpful to each other. Quite often a man sincerely believes that offering advice and telling his wife what to do about a problem is the best way to help her.

On the other hand, women, usually want to connect and feel closer to others during times of stress. Being heard, understood and validated helps us feel cared about and our stress is reduced, even though no solution to the problem is found.

Some new findings point to a true biological reason for this. For some very interesting reading and validation for a woman’s way of doing things check out sources for the Tend and Befriend Response Research consistently shows us that the quality of our relationships (friendly, as well as intimate) directly affects our mental, physical and emotional health. Men and women who are satisfied with their marriages have fewer health problems overall.

This is where the skills of active listening can provide real marriage help. Few things nurture a healthy relationship and create a happy marriage like the closeness that comes from feeling understood.

Harville Hendrix, marriage therapist and author of “Getting the Love You Want” has simplified active listening skills into an easy to learn, three step sequence he calls the Imago dialogue. For more information on how his treatments provide marriage help visit his website, Getting The Love You Want If you wish to use this dialogue in your marriage relationship, I suggest that you consult the website or his book first. You can then explain what you are expecting to your partner.

The first step in the process for couples is to request that time be set aside to have the dialogue. The partner who made the request then tells the other what is bothering her and the listening partner follows the steps outlined below.

• Mirroring: This is reflecting back what you hear and checking out whether your mirroring is accurate. You can paraphrase what was heard and or restate the feeling words that were used. As hard as it may be, Do NOT offer solutions yet. Now is not the time. Just focus on what is being said. When the other seems to have said all she wishes to say you can ask, “Is there any more you want to tell me?”
• Validating: This is not necessarily expressing your agreement, but letting the other know that what was said makes sense to you. You may not like what was said, it may cause you anxiety, you may have a different opinion or you may see the situation differently, but once you understand the other’s perceptions, the feelings ALWAYS make sense. “You thought I was ignoring you, so I can really understand why you were angry”. Avoid imposing your perception such as “You were mad because you say I was ignoring you, but you know how you always exaggerate and then end up feeling sorry for yourself”. This will prompt the other to begin defending the angry and hurt feelings, rather than finding ways to move past them.
• Empathy: Communicate that you understand the feelings. Put yourself in the others shoes. “I imagine that you felt alone and sad.” This does not have to an elaborate statement, because you have probably already communicated your empathy through the previous steps. It may be helpful to keep in mind that there are really about four basic emotions: Mad, glad, sad, scared. The rest of our feelings are combinations of these with a few thoughts mixed in. Focusing on these four emotions makes it easier to identify feelings accurately.

It is important to be patient and gentle with yourself and your partner. This does take some practice, and may not come as easily to many people. Make sure you express your appreciation and encouragement to your partner for his efforts. With perseverance, this dialogue provides effective marriage help and lays the groundwork for creating a happy marriage.

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